One of the first things I tell new people when they start Jiu-Jitsu is is that Jiu Jitsu is about control. Before the submissions, before the fancy berimbolos, at it’s core, Jiu-Jitsu is about control.
We want to know how to control our opponent.
How to control the position.
How to control what happens next.
It makes sense. Control feels safe.
If I can control the situation, I can avoid bad outcomes. I can stay ahead. I can protect myself.
But while Jiu-Jitsu is about control, it also has a way of challenging that belief almost immediately.
Because the truth is, you find out pretty quickly that no matter how strong, skilled, or experienced you are…
You are not always in control.
The Illusion of Control on the Mats
Every grappler has had that moment.
You’re in a good position. Maybe even dominant. Side control. Mount. You feel solid. Stable.
And then something shifts.
A small movement. A missed detail. A little too much space or not enough pressure in the right spot.
Next thing you know, you’re the one defending.
That moment is frustrating, especially early on. It feels like you lost control.
But what you’re really learning is something deeper:
Control in Jiu-Jitsu is temporary.
It’s fluid. It’s negotiated. It’s constantly changing.
You don’t hold control forever. You manage it moment by moment.
And sometimes… you lose it.
There’s been many times I’m dominating my training partner and then unexpectedly, I get swept. Maybe my weight was off, maybe I didn’t respect a certain grip on my lapel or maybe everything was good, but their counter was even better.
The Real Skill Is Not Control.. It’s Response
As you keep training, something interesting starts to happen.
You stop chasing perfect control and you stop feeling defeated when it slips away.
You start focusing on what to do when things go wrong.
You learn how to:
- stay calm when your guard is passed
- breathe when someone is putting pressure on you
- frame, move, and recover instead of panicking
Because things will go wrong.
And the more you accept that, the better you get.
Not just at Jiu-Jitsu.
At handling discomfort.
At adapting.
At staying present under pressure.
How This Shows Up Off the Mats
That same need for control shows up everywhere in life.
We try to control:
- how people respond to us
- how relationships unfold
- how our health plays out
- how our day is supposed to go
And when things don’t go the way we planned, it creates anxiety.
Frustration.
Sometimes even fear.
Because underneath it all is the belief:
If I can just control this, I’ll be okay.
But life works a lot more like a Jiu-Jitsu roll than we realize.
Things shift.
People change.
Unexpected situations happen.
You can be in a “good position” one moment, and feel completely off the next.
Anxiety and the Need for Control
As a mental health counselor, I’ve learned that a lot of anxiety is tied to control (so is a lot of anger).
The mind starts trying to predict, plan, and prevent every possible negative outcome.
“What if this happens?”
“What if something is wrong?”
“What if I’m not okay?”
It’s the mental version of gripping too tight.
And just like in Jiu-Jitsu, the tighter you try to control everything, the more exhausted you become.
The more reactive you become.
The more you feel like you’re losing anyway.
Learning to Let Go (Without Giving Up)
Jiu-Jitsu doesn’t teach you to stop caring.
It teaches you to shift your focus.
Instead of trying to control everything, you learn to:
- control your breathing
- control your effort
- control your decisions in the moment
You stop trying to freeze the roll.
You start flowing with it.
You accept that:
- you will lose positions
- you will get put in bad spots
- you will get tapped
And instead of resisting that reality, you work within it.
That’s where growth happens. That’s when you get better. When you start seeing new moves, opportunities and overcoming challenges.
Maybe That’s the Real Lesson
Control isn’t something you hold onto forever.
It’s something you experience in moments.
And when those moments pass, what matters most is how you respond next.
Jiu-Jitsu teaches us that being okay isn’t about always being in control.
It’s about being able to stay grounded when you’re not.
To breathe when things feel tight.
To think when things feel chaotic.
To trust that even if you’re in a bad position…
You’re not stuck there.
Even if it’s a nasty knee on belly or a heavy side control. At the least, after you’ve exhausted all other possible options, you can always tap, learn from it and try again.
That’s one of the beautiful things about Jiu-Jitsu. It allows us to try and succeed as well as try and fail over and over again in a safe environment.
Final Thought
The longer you train, the more you realize:
The goal isn’t to control everything.
It’s to become someone who can handle anything.
On the mats.
And in life.
That’s a lot to explain to a trial student, but something anyone who sticks with and progresses in Jiu-Jitu will eventually learn.
Grappling with Jiu-Jitsu 